From Zero to Hero: A Psychadelic Sports Psychologist Approach to Fixing Former Eagle, Bryce Huff … by Dr. Shago Marlin
Here you will find ALL of Bryce Huff’s highlights from the 2024 season:
Editor’s Note
The 2024 Philadelphia Eagles team was one for the record books. The defense was undeniably great from week 3 on. The knocks on the offense became laughable anecdotes after their otherworldly performances in the NFC Championship Game and the Super Bowl. In fact, there’s probably not enough discussion about the 2024 Eagles as potentially the greatest team of all time.
Comparing eras is always tricky but the 1985 Bears can grease our 2-time Super Bowl winning pole.
But I digress.
You know what…
Actually, I do not digress.
I regress.
The ‘72 Dolphins can stick it in their blowhole. Earl Morrall wishes he had an arm, not to mention a dick, like Big Nick Foles. This Eagles team would deflate their balls all over ANY Tom Brady-led team. Those 70s Steelers teams? Bradshaw threw for 97 yards a game and Franco Harris ran a 5-plus 40. Give me a fucking break. The ‘80s 49ers passing attack met their match with our secondary, and we all know Montana was, in part, a product of a spectacular system. Our hatred for the Cowboys alone would derail their 90s dynasty. The Greatest Show On Turf couldn’t handle our physicality and their defense was no match for our offense. Ending the Super Bowl against the heavily favored Chiefs before halftime eliminates any of their rings from this discussion. I mean… Kenny Pickett got PT in the Super Bowl.
Need I say more?
Who else?
WHO WANTS WHAT?
Okay.
Now, I digress.
Onto 2025.
This is a different team.
Same, but different, and Super Bowls are not easy to win.
While I believe Mekhi Becton is ultimately going to be the biggest loss (literally and figuratively), it’s the defensive side of the ball we’re now concerned with in Philadelphia. Unfortunately, there is such a thing as the National Football League’s salary cap and the Eagles have too many good players they’ll need to pay over the next two years. So if you can’t buy a new stud DE to replace Josh Sweat and Brandon Graham, we need the guys we got to step up.
So long as Nolan Smith continues to progress, we should be solid at one end of the line. In both the run and the pass game, Smith was a stud at the end of the season and nearly broke the NFL’s postseason sack record. Jalyx Hunt also impressed in his rookie campaign, but the jury is still out on him as a full-season starter. That’s two solid, relatively unproven players out of a necessary 4-5 you need at DE/OLB… the position that’s often referred to nowadays as EDGE.
You need someone with that exact quality, EDGE.
So, who can you look to?
Not this guy.
But he should have been that guy.
If it was going to work, it would’ve been in thanks to Dr. Shago Marlin, Philadelphia’s leading psychedelic sports psychologist and thousandaire playboy. Unfortunately, they did not solicit his efforts before trading Mr. Huff. But oh what could have been…
Dr. Shago Marlin, in his younger days.
From The Desk of Dr. Shago Marlin
Before we discuss our subject, Mr. Huff, let us not forget that one season doesn’t make a career. Just ask Philadelphia legends Jason Kelce and Brandon Graham. Had they let one season define their career, they wouldn’t be the beloved figures in the city they are today. Furthermore, had the medical board allowed my career to be defined by one patient, this Harvard-studied physician** would be imprisoned for nothing more than a EDITOR REDACTION.
Not to worry, that same patient should also be in jail, and not for stealing Jeffrey Lurie’s money, like our subject herein.
Mr. Huff was a promising free agent when the Eagles signed him before the 2024 season. With a successful stint as a key rotational player in New York Jersey, our trustworthy GM believed Huff would break out in Philadelphia on a defensive line full of playmakers and veterans that he could learn and grow from. Huff, formerly number 47, chose number 0 after signing for 3 years / $51 million. Rather than living up to his paycheck, he relished as a proponent of his jersey number, making zero (0) notable plays on the season.
To be a successful EDGE in the NFL, the two most important attributes for one to possess would be VORACITY & INTELLIGENCE.
That is exactly what my regimen would have reinstated in Mr. Huff’s brain and body if he remained an Eagle. Fortunately, the Fifty Niners don’t have the kind of brass it takes to implement measures like mine to reinvigorate an athletic career. See Jeff Garcia’s stint with the Eagles as a supreme example… he’s not just Philly’s baby, he’s Dr. Shago Marlin’s baby. What a run we had.
The 4 pillars of this Psychological treatment:
Reincarnation of Killer Animal Instinct
Play Action Intuition
Commitment to Numero Zero
PCP & The Placebo Effect
For legal purposes, it’s important to note that this regimen is not to be experimented with, followed, or tested without the supervision of a medical professional.
Reincarnation of Killer Animal Instinct
A la A Clockwork Orange, Mr. Huff will be subject to violent videos that progress from insect battles to king of the jungle death matches. He will be injected with a proprietary serum that will trigger positive responses in his brain, the opposite of what was witnessed in the movie.
It’s vital that the videos always depict progression — from insect to small bird to large reptile to large mammal, etc. … this will act as a subconscious training ground for Mr. Huff to shed one blocker, then the next, and the next, until he reaches the ball carrier with relentless animalistic, apex predator-like pursuit. An early negative side effect will be an extended focus on the first deterrent, the lineman. Should Mr. Huff beat the lineman and then turn and continue to assault him, the behavior will need to be corrected. It’s a likely behavior to expect early on.
Intuition for Play Recognition
As far as EDGE intelligence goes, the most important aspect is awareness and play recognition, especially of trick plays, reverses, and of course, the play-action pass.
There’s a very simple way to improve this cognitive knowledge and recognition — a thousand rounds of “where’d the ball go?” with Philly tailgate legend, Danny Blaine. Not only will Huff lose, over and over and over again, but it will be his own salary at stake. While Mr. Blaine will surely take a percentage of his winnings, the rest will be given back to Mr. Lurie to invest in other free agents and future signings.
This is a win-win for everyone, but especially tailgate legend, Danny Blaine. (see below)
I would recommend this treatment for Jordan Davis. While big, burly, and aggressive, Mr. Davis would benefit from picking the proper gap on each snap. He closes whichever gap he chooses, he just needs to choose more wisely.
PCP & The Placebo Effect
Most people possess a rudimentary understanding of the placebo effect. About 99% of the time, it’s connected to experimental medication, but what’s not amplified nearly enough (because it hurts sales for big pharma) is its ability TO WORK JUST AS WELL as the actual medication.
EDITOR’S NOTE: I won’t speak to his other means, but this is true. While in the healthcare advertising industry, there was a bipolar medication that had a placebo effectiveness rate above 75%, that’s insane.
In this case, we’re going to utilize the placebo effect to mimic the result of taking PCP and gifting Mr. Huff superhuman, Hulk-like strength.
To properly channel this superpower without the long-term negative side effects and failed drug tests, we need to introduce it to the subject, let him experience it and take ownership of it, then remove it from his diet without his awareness. It’s a skillful practice that involves detailed medical dosages and mental control. Early on, rage rooms will be heavily utilized as well as pictures of enemies, exes, and division rival quarterbacks to illicit outbursts of low dosages. From there it’s a matter of introducing live contact at unpredictable dosage levels (including zero) without the subject being aware; under full assumption they’re receiving the same dosage from the beginning. Over time, the dosage will decrease until it’s nothing at all. The same administration instrument (a gatorade bottle) will be provided when needed — the 4th quarter of a close game, a big third down, every single play against the Cowboys, and so on.
Commitment to Zero
It would be an easy fix to switch Mr. Huff’s jersey number to something more fitting of a game-changing defensive end — 90 or 95, for example. But there’s nothing easy about playing in the NFL, let alone being an impact player week in and week out. So, rather than switch out of a number that represented his first year with the Eagles all too well, we shall double down.
Double Zero.
# 0 0
We’ll start with an onslaught of negative associations with the number, bringing it into the fold during film sessions while critiquing his play last season… “Quit playing like a zero” … “you’re nothing out there, another game of zero tackles” … “living up to your jersey number on that crappy play, zero.” … “zero effort”.
As we get closer to the season and Mr. Huff begins to show improvement, the negative associations will begin to diminish and we’ll start to introduce more positive associations. By the time we’re halfway through the season, the only associations with the number zero will be positive to the point the number becomes a point of strength for Mr. Huff.
Before games, we’ll write “0” on each of his gloves, his cleats, and on his forearms. It will be a reminder of what he doesn’t want to be. Turning pain into pressure into prominence and pleasure.
Introducing number double fucking zero, Bryce Huff 2.0… what could have been…
When you combine all these different tactics, you’ll receive a physically and mentally stronger individual who is more capable of football violence. Borderline ruthless. The number one concern will not be impact, but it will be finding different mechanisms to slow him down when he’s not on the field. There won’t be enough reps or hitting drills for him. There won’t be enough plays in the game. He’ll likely want to contribute on special teams AND offense (use him as a fullback).
Bryce Huff could have been the EDGE defender the Philadelphia Eagles invested in before the 2024 season. But instead he’ll continue to unimpress in San Fransisquo.
Should the Philadelphia Eagles, Sixers, Phillies, Flyers, Kixx, Soul, Wings, Union, etc be interested in purusing treatment of their players or staff:
I’m available no earlier than 1pm on most days and 4pm on weekends. Beyond my standard $100 daily fee, I’ll require a wide open bar tab at a nearby venue of my choosing, 5-7 gallons of metallic paint, 5-7 gallons of pickle juice, and giddy, loose women at the ready.
** “Harvard studied physician” ** Dr. Shago Marlin did not study at Harvard.
Harvard studied him.
