The Pit

In my experience, sadness and depression are two very different feelings. Different diagnoses. Different states of mind and being. They begin exactly the same.

All of a sudden I’m down. Damn near out. Hurtin’ like I haven’t in a long time.

Sometimes I know why, sometimes I don’t.

Whether it’s my best life I’m living or my worst, I suddenly find myself in a void of sadness, it’s dark and empty. It’s a pointless, hopeless, and lonely place to be. The difference between sadness and depression is how I rebound from that place. The pit.

When I’m dealing with sadness, the blues, it’s relatively easy to turn that rock bottom into a trampoline — hit the gym, see friends, eat healthy, be productive, do something fun, new, and exciting, reenergize my life — and I bounce right back. I’ve done it in a day, but it usually takes a week max. That’s sadness. That’s being a normal human being. That’s just being a normal American with an overwhelming amount of debt, chasing an artificial happiness curated by the algorithm of your wildest dreams and nightmares.

Okay, ignore that last line.

But depression… that’s different. I don’t bounce back so quick.

I can do all the right things, but the pit never turns into a trampoline, it just gets darker, the abyss extends and the light starts to look farther and farther away. The more time that goes by, the scarier it gets because… why isn’t the trampoline forming? How long will I be in this pit?

Even when I eat right, work out, hang with friends, chase my dreams and my purpose in this world, the best I’ll get is a rung to hang from. A place to stop the freefall in total darkness and dangle in the void. It’s not a step on a ladder upwards but it’s something.

I suppose at least I’m no longer letting it engulf me. I’m not submitting to the depression. I’m fighting it.

2024 was the worst year of my life. I wasn’t okay with myself, my body, my actions, where I was in life. I wasn’t okay with me. But all the while that self-hatred was happening, I was able to find an extra rung in a furthered purpose. I always believed in The City Root. Not what it was at the time, but in what it could be one day. But that was the year I found my way, or stumbled I should say, into education. The responsibility I inherited to show up everyday for my students was something I took pride in. It was something I desperately needed because I was barely showing up for me.

This allowed me to latch both arms to the rung, no longer worried about falling again.

Looking back, it was mighty hard to see at the time, but I was no longer in freefall. I’d stabilized my situation. I had a future path to pursue right in front of me, even if it was foggy back then. The motivation to improve the education these kids were provided was another rung I was able to put a foot on. The way I was going to do that was by creating a City Root program that provided students an opportunity to express themselves and explore their creativity while learning skills that would translate to real job opportunities.

Even if I was still living in this abyss on a daily basis, I was no longer in freefall. I had a sturdy footing. I wasn’t hanging on for dreary life. Still in the pit, but safe.

What was holding me back more than anything was regret, looking back, unable to forgive myself for things I did wrong. Things I said. Things I didn’t say. Things I did. Things I didn’t do. But I didn’t hurt anyone. I didn’t rob or steal. I didn’t treat people or animals poorly, yet I was riddled with a case of self-loathing that seemed incurable.

What I was doing was looking down into the abyss of the pit.

Looking up would take healing. Self-reflection, therapy, forgiveness, self-love. All where challenging subjects for me. What I needed to do was turn my focus upwards, to the little bit of light from which I fell, rather than down into nothingness.

Once I was able to do that, more rungs began to appear.

Slow but steady, over a year’s time and then some, I was able to begin to climb out — rung by rung. Without realizing it, I started to wake up happier, fresher. The regretful thoughts that once grabbed me and pulled me into the darkness didn’t have the grip they once had. They didn’t ruin my nights. They didn’t consume my days. Today I’m proud to say that “rock bottom” can once again be turned into a trampoline.

It takes work every single day to remain in the light, but the pit doesn’t scare me anymore. If I have a bad day, I don’t let it turn into a bad week. I don’t punish myself for it. I don’t look back.

If you or someone you know is struggling with “the pit” or anything like it. Please reach out. I’d love to help. If you don’t want to reach out to me, there’s plenty of resources to help you.

Calling 988 connects Pennsylvanians to safe, secure, and confidential behavioral or mental health crisis services.

Diamond Behavioral Health — (888) 371-0422

SAMHSA —  1-800-662-HELP (4357)